COMMUNICATION...The Journey - Part 2 (13 Jan 2008)

Tone. The tone of your voice says a lot when you are communicating with your spouse or with anyone else that you are talking to. I am coming to realize that I can get my point across a lot better by controlling the tone of my voice; and I most definitely receive information better when it is spoken to me in a reasonable and inviting tone. Now I know this is not a perfect world and I don't expect all conversations with my wife to be perfectly orchestrated like a smooth jazz band playing a song. However, I do expect that we work to control our tones when talking to one another no matter what the situation is. This may be harder for some than others. Many may be accustom to an atmosphere where there is consistent negative tones in the majority of their conversations with others. There is no problem with this as long as the other person in the conversation is also accustom to these negative tones. If not, then there will always be a breakdown in communication between the two individuals.

Now bringing this closer to a marriage relationship...let's say that you want your spouse to stop doing a certain thing that completely annoys you...like the man leaving hair in the sink after shaving or the woman leaving fingernail polish somewhere it doesn't belong. Because this may be one of your pet peeves, when it occurs, you probably shout out your displeasure of what your spouse has done. Is your shouting out effective? Did your spouse receive what you were saying? I am sure it was heard, but there is a chance it wasn't received due to the tone in which you were speaking. As couples, we must do all we can to control our tone when speaking with our spouse. Your tone when communicating can turn a potential explosive situation into a mere small encounter with your spouse if properly controlled.

All in all, I just think we need to learn how to talk to one another...husband to wife and wife to husband. In the same way we are careful when talking to people at work, we should be just as careful when we talk to our spouse at home. It is our spouse that we should have the most regard for when speaking to them...showing the utmost respect.

For me, I have thrown out sarcastic remarks to my wife on many occasions...and I know I am wrong. The tone of such remarks are unnecessary...the remarks themselves are also unnecessary. This is something I am working on within myself. We all have to do this. Find that flaw in your communication style and work to improve it. It may take some spiritual and human intervention to get the area corrected.

Take an honest self-evaluation of yourself on how you communicate with your spouse. As you find things that can be improved, make a plan to improve it. Ask your spouse about how you communicate with them, and make a plan to improve any areas that your spouse feels could be improved. I don't see any downsides of doing this. You can only get better.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

COMMUNICATION...the Journey (5 Jan 2008)

I don't even know where to start. The subject of communication covers so many different areas. To keep things as simple as possible, I thought it would be best to separate this topic into two areas...what I would call conventional and nonconventional communication. I want to talk about the conventional form of communication for now which will include verbal and nonverbal communication. The nonconventional communication can be discussed at a later time which may have to be broken down even further into what is called "Love Languages".

Now let me apologize up front for anything I may say that may rub someone the wrong way. I am a man, and it is already stated that men don't communicate well in marriages. My wife lets me know too often that I fall into this category. Nonetheless, I can honestly say that I am working consistently to improve myself in this area.

The Webster’s Dictionary definition of communication is…"the exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing". This seems as though it is the simplest thing to do. If so, then how do we get it so wrong? All we have to do is tell our spouse what we need and want to tell them, right? Let’s look at this beginning point…”tell our spouse what we need and want to tell them”. I think this is the first roadblock to poor communication. We don’t tell our spouse what it is that we need and want to tell them for one reason or another. That thought or discussion may be on your mind, but then you forget or think it isn’t important or you just might not want to tell your spouse what is on your mind. Whatever the reason is, it needs to be corrected. If you don’t get past this step, then you will more than likely have a communication problem in your marriage. We all need to make it a practice to say what is on our mind to our spouses.

The next key section I see in the definition is “the exchange”. “Exchange” means to give or receive from another. Therefore it is a two way process…one must give and the other must receive. Just because you say something to your spouse doesn’t necessarily mean they received it. I must confess that this is one of the areas I must improve on (and I am working on it)…receiving everything my wife tells me. Honestly, I just forget some of the things she tells me. A great solution that we came up with is a large monthly calendar that sits on the side of our refrigerator. This is where we put key daily items for the month. This tool has greatly helped a specific area of our communication. I am sure there are many other innovative tools out there that couples use. If you have a unique communication tool that you use with your spouse, please share it with us. Just remember that the goal is to give and receive information between you and your spouse.

Now the next thing I am about to discuss can be a killer when it comes to communication or it can enhance your overall marriage life. That is the “nonverbal”. I consider “body language, the look on your face, and the tone of your voice” the main driving forces behind nonverbal communication. These items can say a lot more to your spouse than words can when communicating. If you look directly in your spouse’s eyes when giving or receiving information from them, then you are showing genuine interest in the conversation. On the other hand, if you are looking at your spouse with a snarl or not looking at all when trying to communicate, you could be relaying harsh nonverbal words to your spouse. Nonverbally, you could be saying “you better not come near me” or “what on earth are you talking about” or “does it look like I am interested in what you are saying”. Just remember that your nonverbal actions can play a much larger role in communicating with your spouse than any words you can say. The old saying is ”actions speak louder than words”…don’t forget that.

Lastly, you have to make time to communicate with your spouse. In today's society, we get bogged down in work, chores, T.V., and any other distractions that are present in the homes. If these areas are not addressed, then they will consume your time and will not give you the total time you need to communicate with your spouse. You and your spouse must make communication time a priority each day. It doesn't have to be 2 or 3 hours...it could be an uninterrupted 30 minutes. While it may not seem like a lot of time, 30 minutes could be more than enough quality time to ensure you and your spouse are exchanging information, messages, and ideas to one another.

I will leave you with this. Your spouse should be your best friend. If that is the case, don't you want to tell your best friend everything that is on your mind and also hear everything that is on your spouse's mind. Make sure you have both the verbal and nonverbal communication channels open to give and receive with your spouse. It will make things go a lot smoother in life.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

2008...The year of New Beginnings

Happy New Year to All!!! I pray that you had a blessed Holiday Season with family and friends and are now ready to have the most fulfilling and successful year ever. I am going to make every effort to have the year that I know God wants me to have...spiritually, physically, socially, and financially.

Over the holiday season, I took some time to try and figure out what my purpose is on this piece of land we call earth. Well, I figured one thing out...it takes more than a week to determine what your purpose is in life. Nonetheless, I did determine some areas (gifts, talents, and/or resources given by God) that I need to expand in my life that may open doors in determining what my purpose or purposes are in my life. A few of the key areas are "my mind", "my art", and "my relationships". I realize that these are key areas that I must continue to grow throughout my lifetime.

It is said that we only use 10% of our brain's capacity. If that is the case, what is the other 90% doing? I am planning to use at least an additional 1% over the next year to improve my intellect, my common sense, and my overall perception of life and the world we live in. And I pray that I can use a portion of that 1% to become a better husband to my wife. I think we men may have a 350-pound defensive lineman in our brain preventing us from using that additional brainpower to think of new and innovative ways to make our wives happy. Even though our wives may be as happy as they can be, I know there are a million ideas roaming around in our (the husbands) heads that we can do to make our wives even more happier. I am going to try and find a few of those ideas in my head this year. I hope I don't get lost looking for them.

My Art. God gave me the gift/talent of art...drawing, painting, and even singing. I plan to expand or stretch myself in all three of these areas this year. I have ignored a couple of them for quite some time now and I know that God has a purpose for the gifts/talents he has given me. I have to make it happen in 2008.

My Relationships. Well the first one I am focusing on is my relationship with God. That is a relationship I feel that everyone reading this should focus on...no matter what level you feel you are on with God. There will always be room for improvement until the day we leave this earth...might as well start now since tomorrow is no guarantee. Next relationship is with my wife. I won't even start listing the areas that I know I need to improve on with this one. All I will say is that I going to give my all to develop and expand this relationship. Then comes my family...immediate and extended. The hustle and bustle of life sometimes takes a lot of time away, causing time to be lost with keeping up with family. I am not talking about anything drastic, but it may be drastic for some people out there. As a goal, let's take the time to reach out to family members periodically to see how things are going in their lives. The same goes for friends. It is my goal to make time to build and make stronger relationships with my friends, both old and new. There is something to be gained on both ends when you have strong relationships.

My pastor and my spiritual mother (also a pastor) stated that 2008 is the year of new beginnings. Let's make it that...a new beginning. Leave all the negative aspects of your life in 2007. Let 2008 be your new beginning...especially in your marriage. Let this be a year of growth in your marriage, a year of understanding in your marriage, a year of ever increasing love in your marriage. I know I am throwing out some big challenges, but I have to hype myself up to really get this year going. I hope you are doing the same.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.