When you read the title of this discussion, I know most of you said, "Of course I know how to talk". And I bet many of you can talk with the best of them...probably talking too much. Now let me add three more words to this same question.
Do you know how to talk to your spouse?
Now if you are a prideful person, you may immediately say "YES". For everyone else, this question should cause you to pause, think for a second, and then ask "Do I really know how to talk to my spouse effectively?". I am going to go out on a limb and say that if you are asking yourself this question, you are on the "I want to have a healthy marriage" path. And double this if your spouse is asking this same question.
You should consider being able to speak to your spouse appropriately and effectively as a form of art. You can create a masterpiece of communication, or you can create a mess that neither of you wants to look at. The way you communicate with your spouse should be in a manner they best receive it. To do this, it is a must that you know your spouse... know their mannerisms... know their likes and dislikes ... recognize and understand how your spouse communicates with you ... and even know you spouse's family history (how was he or she raised). With all these factors, you should be able to discern the best way to communicate.
I think many people make the mistake of communicating with their spouse the way they themselves want to be communicated to. BIG mistake. Your spouse is not you. Your spouse does not have the same personality as you ... your spouse did not grow up in your home ... your spouse may not have the same cultural background as you do. You can go on and on identifying ways that make your spouse different than you. The important thing to know is that your spouse has his or her own way they communicate. Find out what it is and adjust your delivery.
Your marriage can get stronger and stronger when you start to master this thing called "communicating effectively". It's also probably one of the toughest things to get good at, let alone master, in your marriage. Just think about it. If you master communicating with your spouse, there will be nothing that you can't accomplish together ... no trial that you can't get through.
If you and your spouse are not talking to each other right now (effectively), take a step back and evaluate yourself first. Do I talk too loud? ... Too soft? ... Too harsh? ... Too calmly? ... Too direct? ... Too bland? Be sure to use the right mix for the appropriate conversation. Your outgoing communication style has to be catered for your spouse ... not you. On the flip side, let your spouse know how you want to be communicated to. Open up your paths for great communication.
Do you know how to talk to your spouse? YES ... and you are getting better.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The SAFE ... My Security
As I am sure all of you know, being married always has its ups and downs. The challenge is to always have more ups than downs. This most definitely gives you a better chance at having a long lasting marriage. One of the "ups" that should always be present is that of security.
Now the discussion of security within marriage can be dissected into many different areas ... all depending on the point of view you are taking. For our discussion today, I want to look at it from two perspectives ... female view and male view.
On the female side of this, security is all about physical safety ... safety of the body, safety of the family, safety of the home. When a woman marries a man, there is an assurance that the husband is there and will be there to protect. He will be there to stand up against anything or anyone that threatens his wife. If for some reason the husband is not there (figuratively) to protect his wife, the comfort of security a wife needs can be severely damaged.
Guys, this is why we can't half-step when we say "I DO". I don't want to take this into a deep religious discussion, but the Man upstairs is entrusting us to be the "head of household", the "protector of family", the "security blanket" for your wife. Step up and be "THE SAFE" you are called to be.
Now ladies, we husbands need you to be our SAFE also. What do we need protected? Our inner most thoughts and feelings ... our dreams. You all know that we are not the best communicators when it comes to expressing our feelings. So the little we do shed out to you, please protect this information. Please respect this information. Please don't discount this information. If for some reason the wife chooses to de-value our thoughts/feelings/dreams, you can potentially say goodbye to the husband confiding in the wife about certain things. There is the potential the husband will look for another confidant to run his thoughts/feelings/dreams by. Not the route we want things to go.
So ladies, receive the words from your husbands with patience, understanding, and love. Be "THE SAFE" so that he feels secure to tell you any and everything that's on his mind.
Remember, the most secure place is a safe. Be "THE SAFE".
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
Friday, December 23, 2011
I Wonder Are They Married?
So often in today’s society, many couples are choosing to be cohabitants without having the bond of holy matrimony associated with them. In other cases, some married couples are choosing not to wear their wedding rings for one reason or another. I’m not done yet. Some married couples’ interaction with each other, both in public and private settings, cause many to ask… “I wonder are they married?”.
When God brought Adam and Eve together, I am pretty sure they knew they were joined in a union and I bet all the animals knew it also. I can assume they spent a lot of time together and their love for each other showed. As married couples, we need to act like Adam and Eve. We need to be on and around each other (with your spouse) like we are the only two people on earth…joined at the hip physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Why these three areas? Well with the physical part, you need to show your spouse that you love his or her presence close to you…you love the touch, the hold, the kiss, the love. Emotionally, you want to let your spouse know that you feel the happiness or pain that he or she may encounter on a daily basis...you are going through life with them experiencing the ups and downs…you are laughing with them and also crying with them. On the spiritual side, this is the glue that keeps things together. You must be joined here. Even when the other two areas (physical & emotional) are a little shaky, it is your spiritual connection that will keep you together.
Now when you are on point with all three of these areas, I can’t imagine anyone looking at the two of you wondering if you are married. As couples joined in holy matrimony, it is our responsibility to show the world what it means to be married. Show how we enjoy each other and then turn around and show how we make it through the toughest situations in life together.
We need to be a beacon! Shining so that other couples will see and understand that marriage can work with work in your marriage. As we approach 2012, let’s get ready to shine our marriages to the world more than we did in 2011.
So when someone looks at my wife and I and ask the question…”I wonder are they married?”; they will look again and simply say…”Oh yeah, they’re married!”.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
When God brought Adam and Eve together, I am pretty sure they knew they were joined in a union and I bet all the animals knew it also. I can assume they spent a lot of time together and their love for each other showed. As married couples, we need to act like Adam and Eve. We need to be on and around each other (with your spouse) like we are the only two people on earth…joined at the hip physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Why these three areas? Well with the physical part, you need to show your spouse that you love his or her presence close to you…you love the touch, the hold, the kiss, the love. Emotionally, you want to let your spouse know that you feel the happiness or pain that he or she may encounter on a daily basis...you are going through life with them experiencing the ups and downs…you are laughing with them and also crying with them. On the spiritual side, this is the glue that keeps things together. You must be joined here. Even when the other two areas (physical & emotional) are a little shaky, it is your spiritual connection that will keep you together.
Now when you are on point with all three of these areas, I can’t imagine anyone looking at the two of you wondering if you are married. As couples joined in holy matrimony, it is our responsibility to show the world what it means to be married. Show how we enjoy each other and then turn around and show how we make it through the toughest situations in life together.
We need to be a beacon! Shining so that other couples will see and understand that marriage can work with work in your marriage. As we approach 2012, let’s get ready to shine our marriages to the world more than we did in 2011.
So when someone looks at my wife and I and ask the question…”I wonder are they married?”; they will look again and simply say…”Oh yeah, they’re married!”.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Plants...Part 2
In “The Plants…Part 1”, I spoke about how it’s important to get rid of the dead leaves in your marriage. This will give your marriage more room to grow in the areas where the “dead leaves” once occupied.
Now there is another interesting situation with house plants that marriages can take notes on. Once the “new leaves” in your potted plant have grown out, what happens when there is no more room in the pot for additional growth? Absolutely nothing happens because there is no room for anything else to grow. That’s where repotting comes in. You have to enlarge the pot so the plant has the additional room to grow larger and produce even more leaves.
In your marriage, you have to analyze your situation with your spouse to determine if you are limiting the growth of your marriage. Maybe you need to repot your marriage in a larger pot.
How do you repot your marriage? The sky is the limit. Maybe you introduce a new activity into your marriage for you and your spouse to do. Maybe you completely switch chores with your spouse. I will never forget when my wife came to me and stated that she was going to cut the grass. Now let me paint the picture here...
My wife is from NYC where grass appears to be limited only to Central Park. Additionally, there have been only a few times when her shoes have been in the grass for more than 5 minutes. Now you can imagine my surprise when she said “Babe, I’m going to cut the grass” and then actually started cutting the grass. Notice I said “started”. She did do most of it and has not touched the lawnmower since that historic day.
Now what did that do for me? It expanded my appreciation for my wife. It also made me think of identifying things that I can do that she normally does. I would like to think that I came up with something but don’t remember (smile).
When it comes to repotting your marriage, you have to expand your heart, expand your love, and expand your mind to consider any and all future possibilities…possibilities to do different things and go different places.
Just be sure to give your marriage the room it needs to grow.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
Now there is another interesting situation with house plants that marriages can take notes on. Once the “new leaves” in your potted plant have grown out, what happens when there is no more room in the pot for additional growth? Absolutely nothing happens because there is no room for anything else to grow. That’s where repotting comes in. You have to enlarge the pot so the plant has the additional room to grow larger and produce even more leaves.
In your marriage, you have to analyze your situation with your spouse to determine if you are limiting the growth of your marriage. Maybe you need to repot your marriage in a larger pot.
How do you repot your marriage? The sky is the limit. Maybe you introduce a new activity into your marriage for you and your spouse to do. Maybe you completely switch chores with your spouse. I will never forget when my wife came to me and stated that she was going to cut the grass. Now let me paint the picture here...
My wife is from NYC where grass appears to be limited only to Central Park. Additionally, there have been only a few times when her shoes have been in the grass for more than 5 minutes. Now you can imagine my surprise when she said “Babe, I’m going to cut the grass” and then actually started cutting the grass. Notice I said “started”. She did do most of it and has not touched the lawnmower since that historic day.
Now what did that do for me? It expanded my appreciation for my wife. It also made me think of identifying things that I can do that she normally does. I would like to think that I came up with something but don’t remember (smile).
When it comes to repotting your marriage, you have to expand your heart, expand your love, and expand your mind to consider any and all future possibilities…possibilities to do different things and go different places.
Just be sure to give your marriage the room it needs to grow.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
80 Year Old Love
Trips in the middle of nowhere will show you some of the most interesting things. Early this year, I was on a business trip in Plainville, CT. Yep…a very small city somewhere on the outskirts of Hartford, CT. Upon arriving into the town, I immediately checked into the hotel and headed to a seafood restaurant I read about in the town (the food was awesome and they gave huge portions).
While at this restaurant, I noticed there were a lot of seasoned couples there. And when I say seasoned, I mean 80 to 90 years old seasoned. Seasoned to where it took some of them all of several minutes to walk from their table to the front door as they were leaving. Regardless of how long it took them, it was great seeing these couples enjoying themselves for an evening out on the town. To see the patience they had with each other was humbling. I could only sit there and imagine all the memories they have experienced with each other over the years.
I then began to picture my life with my spouse at the age of +80 years. I wondered what we will look like. I wondered how fast will we glide across the floor of the restaurant at that age. Just picturing that future gave and continues to give me encouragement to make sure my wife and I continue to love each other in ways that will give us the best chance at making our marriage last well into our 80s.
Visualizing your marriage in the future is a great roadmap you can use to chart your marital path. Yes it is a long path when you’re looking 40 to 50 years down the road, but it gives you a long term goal to shoot for…wrinkles and all.
Love hard and love true.
C Wells
While at this restaurant, I noticed there were a lot of seasoned couples there. And when I say seasoned, I mean 80 to 90 years old seasoned. Seasoned to where it took some of them all of several minutes to walk from their table to the front door as they were leaving. Regardless of how long it took them, it was great seeing these couples enjoying themselves for an evening out on the town. To see the patience they had with each other was humbling. I could only sit there and imagine all the memories they have experienced with each other over the years.
I then began to picture my life with my spouse at the age of +80 years. I wondered what we will look like. I wondered how fast will we glide across the floor of the restaurant at that age. Just picturing that future gave and continues to give me encouragement to make sure my wife and I continue to love each other in ways that will give us the best chance at making our marriage last well into our 80s.
Visualizing your marriage in the future is a great roadmap you can use to chart your marital path. Yes it is a long path when you’re looking 40 to 50 years down the road, but it gives you a long term goal to shoot for…wrinkles and all.
Love hard and love true.
C Wells
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Plants…Part 1
My Mom came to visit about a month ago and you know what Moms like to do when they come visit…find things to clean or straighten up, or correct minor things they feel could be better…without stepping on anyone’s toes (especially the wife’s toes). During her visit, one specific area she felt she could improve was the maintenance of a couple of our house plants. You see, I have had these two plants for about 9 years (yep, they’re still hangin in there). Some of the leaves tend to die off while new ones come in, and unfortunately I don’t always pull the dead leaves out to ensure the new leaves have the proper room to grow. Well, my mom took the time to pull out and cut all the dead leaves; giving the plants more freedom to produce new leaves and it gave both plants a much better appearance.
In marriage, there are a lot of different things, like the dead plant leaves, that occupy space and time that hinder a marriage from growing. And guess what? We are all too busy/not concerned enough to pull and cut those things out of our marriage. Like the dead leaves, these items can have a huge impact on your marriage if they are just left there to occupy critical space and time.
What are these things…these dead leaves that sit untouched in your marriage? It could be anything. Maybe it’s a long lasting disagreement you and your spouse had about something that was never fully resolved. Maybe it’s a financial situation you are in that you both choose to ignore. It could be anything that has the potential to cause a riff in your marriage. Whatever it is, if left untouched, it will continue to occupy valuable space in your marriage…taking up an area that is eagerly waiting to experience something new that will enhance the look and growth of your marriage.
Just as my mom did, you need to take the time out of your busy schedules to focus on pulling & cutting the dead leaves in your marriage. As you do this, sit back and watch the new leaves grow into your marriage.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
C Wells
In marriage, there are a lot of different things, like the dead plant leaves, that occupy space and time that hinder a marriage from growing. And guess what? We are all too busy/not concerned enough to pull and cut those things out of our marriage. Like the dead leaves, these items can have a huge impact on your marriage if they are just left there to occupy critical space and time.
What are these things…these dead leaves that sit untouched in your marriage? It could be anything. Maybe it’s a long lasting disagreement you and your spouse had about something that was never fully resolved. Maybe it’s a financial situation you are in that you both choose to ignore. It could be anything that has the potential to cause a riff in your marriage. Whatever it is, if left untouched, it will continue to occupy valuable space in your marriage…taking up an area that is eagerly waiting to experience something new that will enhance the look and growth of your marriage.
Just as my mom did, you need to take the time out of your busy schedules to focus on pulling & cutting the dead leaves in your marriage. As you do this, sit back and watch the new leaves grow into your marriage.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
C Wells
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Love The One You Love
Relationships are tough. Sometimes they are so tough you just want to throw in the tile. But you know, that may not be the right choice. So what do you do then?
Maybe since I’m miserable, I might as well make it miserable for everyone around me also. Yeah, I know, this is my spouse and I shouldn’t try to make a tough situation even worse by dogging out my spouse or just trying to do things to make my spouse feel bad. Hold up! Is it not my spouse that got us in this mess? Since my spouse is the closest person to me each day, doesn’t it make sense to take whatever frustration I have out on my spouse? Look, I’m not talking about any type of physical abuse. I just want to see or feel my spouse feeling bad or be in a bad mood because I’m in a bad mood. We both need to share in this pain. You feel me?
Ok, I’m back. I had to get that out to show just how ridiculous it is to treat the one you love like you despise him or her. No matter what type of situation you may be going through in your relationship, please remember that you love the person sitting on the other side of the relationship. Because of that, you need to love the one you love. If the two of you truly love each other, it is going to be that love that gets you through the tough times you will face in your life and in your relationship. Learn to lean on each other through the situations so that your love can mature. This maturity will allow you to always love the one you love no matter what your relationship is faced with.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
C Wells
Maybe since I’m miserable, I might as well make it miserable for everyone around me also. Yeah, I know, this is my spouse and I shouldn’t try to make a tough situation even worse by dogging out my spouse or just trying to do things to make my spouse feel bad. Hold up! Is it not my spouse that got us in this mess? Since my spouse is the closest person to me each day, doesn’t it make sense to take whatever frustration I have out on my spouse? Look, I’m not talking about any type of physical abuse. I just want to see or feel my spouse feeling bad or be in a bad mood because I’m in a bad mood. We both need to share in this pain. You feel me?
Ok, I’m back. I had to get that out to show just how ridiculous it is to treat the one you love like you despise him or her. No matter what type of situation you may be going through in your relationship, please remember that you love the person sitting on the other side of the relationship. Because of that, you need to love the one you love. If the two of you truly love each other, it is going to be that love that gets you through the tough times you will face in your life and in your relationship. Learn to lean on each other through the situations so that your love can mature. This maturity will allow you to always love the one you love no matter what your relationship is faced with.
Love hard and love true.
Let me know your thoughts.
C Wells
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