Do You Know How To Talk?

When you read the title of this discussion, I know most of you said, "Of course I know how to talk". And I bet many of you can talk with the best of them...probably talking too much. Now let me add three more words to this same question.

Do you know how to talk to your spouse?

Now if you are a prideful person, you may immediately say "YES". For everyone else, this question should cause you to pause, think for a second, and then ask "Do I really know how to talk to my spouse effectively?". I am going to go out on a limb and say that if you are asking yourself this question, you are on the "I want to have a healthy marriage" path. And double this if your spouse is asking this same question.

You should consider being able to speak to your spouse appropriately and effectively as a form of art. You can create a masterpiece of communication, or you can create a mess that neither of you wants to look at. The way you communicate with your spouse should be in a manner they best receive it. To do this, it is a must that you know your spouse... know their mannerisms... know their likes and dislikes ... recognize and understand how your spouse communicates with you ... and even know you spouse's family history (how was he or she raised). With all these factors, you should be able to discern the best way to communicate.

I think many people make the mistake of communicating with their spouse the way they themselves want to be communicated to. BIG mistake. Your spouse is not you. Your spouse does not have the same personality as you ... your spouse did not grow up in your home ... your spouse may not have the same cultural background as you do. You can go on and on identifying ways that make your spouse different than you. The important thing to know is that your spouse has his or her own way they communicate. Find out what it is and adjust your delivery.

Your marriage can get stronger and stronger when you start to master this thing called "communicating effectively". It's also probably one of the toughest things to get good at, let alone master, in your marriage. Just think about it. If you master communicating with your spouse, there will be nothing that you can't accomplish together ... no trial that you can't get through.

If you and your spouse are not talking to each other right now (effectively), take a step back and evaluate yourself first. Do I talk too loud? ... Too soft? ... Too harsh? ... Too calmly? ... Too direct? ... Too bland? Be sure to use the right mix for the appropriate conversation. Your outgoing communication style has to be catered for your spouse ... not you. On the flip side, let your spouse know how you want to be communicated to. Open up your paths for great communication.

Do you know how to talk to your spouse? YES ... and you are getting better.

Love hard and love true.

Let me know your thoughts.

COMMUNICATION...The Journey - Part 2 (13 Jan 2008)

Tone. The tone of your voice says a lot when you are communicating with your spouse or with anyone else that you are talking to. I am coming to realize that I can get my point across a lot better by controlling the tone of my voice; and I most definitely receive information better when it is spoken to me in a reasonable and inviting tone. Now I know this is not a perfect world and I don't expect all conversations with my wife to be perfectly orchestrated like a smooth jazz band playing a song. However, I do expect that we work to control our tones when talking to one another no matter what the situation is. This may be harder for some than others. Many may be accustom to an atmosphere where there is consistent negative tones in the majority of their conversations with others. There is no problem with this as long as the other person in the conversation is also accustom to these negative tones. If not, then there will always be a breakdown in communication between the two individuals.

Now bringing this closer to a marriage relationship...let's say that you want your spouse to stop doing a certain thing that completely annoys you...like the man leaving hair in the sink after shaving or the woman leaving fingernail polish somewhere it doesn't belong. Because this may be one of your pet peeves, when it occurs, you probably shout out your displeasure of what your spouse has done. Is your shouting out effective? Did your spouse receive what you were saying? I am sure it was heard, but there is a chance it wasn't received due to the tone in which you were speaking. As couples, we must do all we can to control our tone when speaking with our spouse. Your tone when communicating can turn a potential explosive situation into a mere small encounter with your spouse if properly controlled.

All in all, I just think we need to learn how to talk to one another...husband to wife and wife to husband. In the same way we are careful when talking to people at work, we should be just as careful when we talk to our spouse at home. It is our spouse that we should have the most regard for when speaking to them...showing the utmost respect.

For me, I have thrown out sarcastic remarks to my wife on many occasions...and I know I am wrong. The tone of such remarks are unnecessary...the remarks themselves are also unnecessary. This is something I am working on within myself. We all have to do this. Find that flaw in your communication style and work to improve it. It may take some spiritual and human intervention to get the area corrected.

Take an honest self-evaluation of yourself on how you communicate with your spouse. As you find things that can be improved, make a plan to improve it. Ask your spouse about how you communicate with them, and make a plan to improve any areas that your spouse feels could be improved. I don't see any downsides of doing this. You can only get better.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.