The Love Languages - Part Two (1 Mar 2008)

I want to continue my discussion of the five love languages. If you have not read the previous post which talks about the first two love languages, please do so to get an understanding of the need for knowing your spouse's love language as well as your own love language. Additionally, let me remind you that these 5 love languages are outlined in greater detail in the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The remaining three love languages being covered are in bold:



1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch



Receiving Gifts

This is the love language that most men would think that their wives fall into. While that may be true for a lot of couples, that is not the case for all. I can honestly say that this is not my wife's primary love language; and I am very thankful because she has very expensive tastes. It is easy to think that this love language requires buying items for your spouse and that's it. It is more than that. If this is your spouse's love language, any present or gift given by you will be received as love. The gift is a physical or visual representation of love. Spending money is not a requirement...you can create your own gifts to give to your spouse. Now this requires thought on your part to determine what you can create or purchase (let's say under $20) that your spouse would truly appreciate. When my wife and I first started dating, she surprised me by sending flowers to my job...and this was withing the first 2 weeks of us dating. I was truly surprised and impressed. I wanted to do or give something to her to show my appreciation. I could have easily gone out and spent money on a gift, but instead, I took one of the flowers that was given to me and created a drawing of that flower, framed it, and presented it to her as a gift of appreciation. She loved it. Creativity plays a big role when fulfilling your spouse's need with this love language. Here is something else that can be done that does not require spending alot of money...go and buy 2 or 3 packs of your spouse's favorite snack or dessert and present it in a small gift bag along with a hand-written note expressing your love and appreciation. That should do it! Matter of fact, I need to do that one soon for my wife :) I hope you get the point I am trying to make with this love language. Now please understand that if this is not your spouse's love language, the gifts will be appreciated, but they will not fill the love bucket of your spouse. That can only be done by expressing the true love language of your spouse.

Acts of Service

To me, this is an interesting love language...especially within marriages. To put it as plainly as possible and as Janet Jackson sang years ago...."what have you done for me lately?". Let me run some things off to you: cooking, making the bed, washing dishes, washing clothes, washing the vehicles, vacuuming, mopping, folding clothes, cutting the grass, putting gas in the vehicles, grocery shopping, bathing the kids (infants and toddlers), putting kids to bed,....shall I go on...I hope you get the point. It's not hard to know what to do to fill your spouse's need if this is their primary love language. Now that you know it, you have to do it. 9 times out of 10, if this is your spouse's primary love language, he or she wants you to take care of things around the house. I know this to be the case from first hand experience...and I am being told that I am still not doing enough :) This love language may require the breaking down of stereotypes, especially when it comes to what the man should do and what the woman should do. Some husbands may feel that it is the wife's responsibility to take care of the household and that it is his responsibility to bring home the bacon and pay the bills. Outside of this mentality being that of a 1930-40-50's family...which is not the case today, this mentality must be thrown out if this is your spouse's love language (specifically if this is the wife's love language). If this is the husband's love language, the couple must be careful not to make the wife feel like a maid and unappreciated. Like I said up front, I find this to be a very interesting love language. For this love language, a good practice you can do each day is ask yourself "What can I do for my spouse today to make them feel good?". If you take action on this question, you will be well on your way to giving your spouse all the love that is needed.

Physical Touch

To fulfill this love language, some type of body contact must take place. There is no alternative method around it. To put this in some type of perspective, think of how much joy and warmth you felt as a child when your mom or dad gave you a hug. Did that not make you feel great?...did that not make you feel loved? Well for those of you out there that get this same feeling when your spouse touches you (whether a hug, a kiss, a rub, or sexual intercourse), "physical touch" very well may be your primary love language. If this is something that your spouse consistently does or wants from you, then you should realize the importance of physical touch within your spouse. It is then important to know where, how, and when to provide the physical touches required by your spouse. No two people are alike and each person has special points on their body that burst in emotion when touched by his or her spouse. You need to invest the time to find out these pleasure locations on your spouse. It could be the caressing of the ear, or the rubbing of the calf, or the kissing of the belly...I will stop there because you should get the picture by now. If you are not a touchy feely person and your spouse is, then you must make adjustments in your lifestyle to ensure your spouse is loved. The fact that you don't like being physically touch will not change your spouse's need to be physically touch. You need to make the necessary adjustments in you life to become accustom to physically touching your spouse. Doing this will eliminate future potential marital issues.

All of these love languages require special attention and must be worked on to master. Taking the time to learn and know your spouse's love language is one of the most valuable investments you can put into your marriage. It will ensure that your spouse's love bucket is always filled. If you don't learn your spouse's love language and no actions are taken, then you open the door to all types of potentially negative and sinful situations...

If your spouse is not feeling the love from you in the love language that is needed, then where are they going to get it from? Do what you have to do to make sure that question is never asked.

I will end this with the last paragraph from Part One of this topic:

When you are looking at these love languages, you must determine what your love language is and what your spouse's love language is. I think it is natural for us to attempt to love our spouse in our own love language. This is a big mistake if your spouse does not share the same love language as you. All you are doing is loving your spouse the way that you want to be loved. While you may think you are showing your spouse all the love you have, he or she will not receive what they are looking for because it's in the wrong love language.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

The Love Languages - Part One (10 Feb 2008)

I want to take time to share something with you that I have found to be very beneficial in my marriage. It is a piece of knowledge about your spouse and yourself that has to be learned. The knowledge that I am referring to is our "love language". This is the language that when expressed/communicated to you, you feel loved and appreciated...you feel the love of your spouse. If your love language is not expressed/communicated to you properly, then you may feel some emptiness because that emotional need is not being fulfilled. And it goes the other way also, if you don't express/communicate love to your spouse the way he or she needs to receive it, then your spouse may not be fulfilled. It is your responsibility as a spouse to know how the other half needs to be loved. Once you know that, then you have to take the steps of showing your spouse LOVE in the language that they understand.

Let's briefly discuss 2 of the 5 love languages that are outlined in the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

This is the verbal or written praise/appreciation given to you or your spouse. Do you love to hear your spouse say "I love you" or "you look beautiful or handsome"? Or maybe you like to see short love notes expressing feelings of appreciation and love. If you are miserable when you don't receive statements or compliments such as these, then "Words of Affirmation" may be your love language. When it comes to "words of affirmation", it doesn't have to be all about "I Love U's" and "U Look So Good To Me's". Words of affirmation can be as simple as saying to your spouse, "Baby, thank you for cleaning the kitchen tonite" or "Baby, you really put your foot in that Macarroni & Cheese". This love language is simply telling or writing to let your spouse know how you appreciate them or an activity that they have done. I see it as one of the easiest things we can do in our marriage...give your spouse a compliment. Even though it is that simple, many of us may not even do that. If we do, we may not do it enough. Words of affirmation help to build your spouse up. I can honestly say that I do enjoy when my wife tells me that she appreciates me as a husband and a father. To hear that coming from my wife helps to put the icing on the cake when I wonder how I am doing as a father and a husband. My wife's words help affirm that I am ok in those categories. Nonetheless, this is not my primary love language. I score this as my #2 love language.

Quality Time

I may not need to say much on this because the name says it all..."quality time". How much time does your spouse need with you or how much time do you need from your spouse? This means more than just sitting in a room with your spouse watching T.V. This love language requires 100% focus on your spouse or on you. A person with this love language as priority #1 may only need 30 complete minutes a day or even less to fulfill their need. Then again, 1 or 2 hours may be needed to fulfill the love need. Something as little as an intimate conversation could be just the right thing to show love. While intimate conversation is extremely important when spending quality time with your spouse, there are other things that can be done to fulfill the quality time need. One such thing is doing an activity with your spouse that he or she loves. If your spouse loves bowling, then that would be a great quality activity the two of you could do that would provide quality time to your marriage. It will show your spouse that you love and care about the things they enjoy and that you are willing to invest the time to enjoy the activity with them. The activity may be something that you both enjoy which will make it all the better. If this is your spouse's love language, then you must make time in your busy schedule to spend the time with your spouse. Nothing else will fulfill the need that your spouse has.

When you are looking at these love languages, you must determine what your love language is and what your spouse's love language is. I think it is natural for us to attempt to love our spouse in our own love language. This is a big mistake if your spouse does not share the same love language as you. All you are doing is loving your spouse the way that you want to be loved. While you may think you are showing your spouse all the love you have, he or she will not receive what they are looking for because it's in the wrong love language. I hope I am making sense to you on this subject.

In my next posting, I will continue this discussion by covering the remaining 3 love languages...receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. FYI...if your spouse's love language is receiving gifts, please remember to get them a gift for Valentine's Day this week.

Let me know your thoughts on the two love languages discussed in this posting.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

COMMUNICATION...The Journey - Part 2 (13 Jan 2008)

Tone. The tone of your voice says a lot when you are communicating with your spouse or with anyone else that you are talking to. I am coming to realize that I can get my point across a lot better by controlling the tone of my voice; and I most definitely receive information better when it is spoken to me in a reasonable and inviting tone. Now I know this is not a perfect world and I don't expect all conversations with my wife to be perfectly orchestrated like a smooth jazz band playing a song. However, I do expect that we work to control our tones when talking to one another no matter what the situation is. This may be harder for some than others. Many may be accustom to an atmosphere where there is consistent negative tones in the majority of their conversations with others. There is no problem with this as long as the other person in the conversation is also accustom to these negative tones. If not, then there will always be a breakdown in communication between the two individuals.

Now bringing this closer to a marriage relationship...let's say that you want your spouse to stop doing a certain thing that completely annoys you...like the man leaving hair in the sink after shaving or the woman leaving fingernail polish somewhere it doesn't belong. Because this may be one of your pet peeves, when it occurs, you probably shout out your displeasure of what your spouse has done. Is your shouting out effective? Did your spouse receive what you were saying? I am sure it was heard, but there is a chance it wasn't received due to the tone in which you were speaking. As couples, we must do all we can to control our tone when speaking with our spouse. Your tone when communicating can turn a potential explosive situation into a mere small encounter with your spouse if properly controlled.

All in all, I just think we need to learn how to talk to one another...husband to wife and wife to husband. In the same way we are careful when talking to people at work, we should be just as careful when we talk to our spouse at home. It is our spouse that we should have the most regard for when speaking to them...showing the utmost respect.

For me, I have thrown out sarcastic remarks to my wife on many occasions...and I know I am wrong. The tone of such remarks are unnecessary...the remarks themselves are also unnecessary. This is something I am working on within myself. We all have to do this. Find that flaw in your communication style and work to improve it. It may take some spiritual and human intervention to get the area corrected.

Take an honest self-evaluation of yourself on how you communicate with your spouse. As you find things that can be improved, make a plan to improve it. Ask your spouse about how you communicate with them, and make a plan to improve any areas that your spouse feels could be improved. I don't see any downsides of doing this. You can only get better.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

COMMUNICATION...the Journey (5 Jan 2008)

I don't even know where to start. The subject of communication covers so many different areas. To keep things as simple as possible, I thought it would be best to separate this topic into two areas...what I would call conventional and nonconventional communication. I want to talk about the conventional form of communication for now which will include verbal and nonverbal communication. The nonconventional communication can be discussed at a later time which may have to be broken down even further into what is called "Love Languages".

Now let me apologize up front for anything I may say that may rub someone the wrong way. I am a man, and it is already stated that men don't communicate well in marriages. My wife lets me know too often that I fall into this category. Nonetheless, I can honestly say that I am working consistently to improve myself in this area.

The Webster’s Dictionary definition of communication is…"the exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing". This seems as though it is the simplest thing to do. If so, then how do we get it so wrong? All we have to do is tell our spouse what we need and want to tell them, right? Let’s look at this beginning point…”tell our spouse what we need and want to tell them”. I think this is the first roadblock to poor communication. We don’t tell our spouse what it is that we need and want to tell them for one reason or another. That thought or discussion may be on your mind, but then you forget or think it isn’t important or you just might not want to tell your spouse what is on your mind. Whatever the reason is, it needs to be corrected. If you don’t get past this step, then you will more than likely have a communication problem in your marriage. We all need to make it a practice to say what is on our mind to our spouses.

The next key section I see in the definition is “the exchange”. “Exchange” means to give or receive from another. Therefore it is a two way process…one must give and the other must receive. Just because you say something to your spouse doesn’t necessarily mean they received it. I must confess that this is one of the areas I must improve on (and I am working on it)…receiving everything my wife tells me. Honestly, I just forget some of the things she tells me. A great solution that we came up with is a large monthly calendar that sits on the side of our refrigerator. This is where we put key daily items for the month. This tool has greatly helped a specific area of our communication. I am sure there are many other innovative tools out there that couples use. If you have a unique communication tool that you use with your spouse, please share it with us. Just remember that the goal is to give and receive information between you and your spouse.

Now the next thing I am about to discuss can be a killer when it comes to communication or it can enhance your overall marriage life. That is the “nonverbal”. I consider “body language, the look on your face, and the tone of your voice” the main driving forces behind nonverbal communication. These items can say a lot more to your spouse than words can when communicating. If you look directly in your spouse’s eyes when giving or receiving information from them, then you are showing genuine interest in the conversation. On the other hand, if you are looking at your spouse with a snarl or not looking at all when trying to communicate, you could be relaying harsh nonverbal words to your spouse. Nonverbally, you could be saying “you better not come near me” or “what on earth are you talking about” or “does it look like I am interested in what you are saying”. Just remember that your nonverbal actions can play a much larger role in communicating with your spouse than any words you can say. The old saying is ”actions speak louder than words”…don’t forget that.

Lastly, you have to make time to communicate with your spouse. In today's society, we get bogged down in work, chores, T.V., and any other distractions that are present in the homes. If these areas are not addressed, then they will consume your time and will not give you the total time you need to communicate with your spouse. You and your spouse must make communication time a priority each day. It doesn't have to be 2 or 3 hours...it could be an uninterrupted 30 minutes. While it may not seem like a lot of time, 30 minutes could be more than enough quality time to ensure you and your spouse are exchanging information, messages, and ideas to one another.

I will leave you with this. Your spouse should be your best friend. If that is the case, don't you want to tell your best friend everything that is on your mind and also hear everything that is on your spouse's mind. Make sure you have both the verbal and nonverbal communication channels open to give and receive with your spouse. It will make things go a lot smoother in life.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

2008...The year of New Beginnings

Happy New Year to All!!! I pray that you had a blessed Holiday Season with family and friends and are now ready to have the most fulfilling and successful year ever. I am going to make every effort to have the year that I know God wants me to have...spiritually, physically, socially, and financially.

Over the holiday season, I took some time to try and figure out what my purpose is on this piece of land we call earth. Well, I figured one thing out...it takes more than a week to determine what your purpose is in life. Nonetheless, I did determine some areas (gifts, talents, and/or resources given by God) that I need to expand in my life that may open doors in determining what my purpose or purposes are in my life. A few of the key areas are "my mind", "my art", and "my relationships". I realize that these are key areas that I must continue to grow throughout my lifetime.

It is said that we only use 10% of our brain's capacity. If that is the case, what is the other 90% doing? I am planning to use at least an additional 1% over the next year to improve my intellect, my common sense, and my overall perception of life and the world we live in. And I pray that I can use a portion of that 1% to become a better husband to my wife. I think we men may have a 350-pound defensive lineman in our brain preventing us from using that additional brainpower to think of new and innovative ways to make our wives happy. Even though our wives may be as happy as they can be, I know there are a million ideas roaming around in our (the husbands) heads that we can do to make our wives even more happier. I am going to try and find a few of those ideas in my head this year. I hope I don't get lost looking for them.

My Art. God gave me the gift/talent of art...drawing, painting, and even singing. I plan to expand or stretch myself in all three of these areas this year. I have ignored a couple of them for quite some time now and I know that God has a purpose for the gifts/talents he has given me. I have to make it happen in 2008.

My Relationships. Well the first one I am focusing on is my relationship with God. That is a relationship I feel that everyone reading this should focus on...no matter what level you feel you are on with God. There will always be room for improvement until the day we leave this earth...might as well start now since tomorrow is no guarantee. Next relationship is with my wife. I won't even start listing the areas that I know I need to improve on with this one. All I will say is that I going to give my all to develop and expand this relationship. Then comes my family...immediate and extended. The hustle and bustle of life sometimes takes a lot of time away, causing time to be lost with keeping up with family. I am not talking about anything drastic, but it may be drastic for some people out there. As a goal, let's take the time to reach out to family members periodically to see how things are going in their lives. The same goes for friends. It is my goal to make time to build and make stronger relationships with my friends, both old and new. There is something to be gained on both ends when you have strong relationships.

My pastor and my spiritual mother (also a pastor) stated that 2008 is the year of new beginnings. Let's make it that...a new beginning. Leave all the negative aspects of your life in 2007. Let 2008 be your new beginning...especially in your marriage. Let this be a year of growth in your marriage, a year of understanding in your marriage, a year of ever increasing love in your marriage. I know I am throwing out some big challenges, but I have to hype myself up to really get this year going. I hope you are doing the same.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

"There's Nothing Perfect About It"

I took a trip last week to Colorado and I must say that I didn’t know Colorado had that much of nothing out there…almost as bad as driving from San Antonio to El Paso in Texas. Nonetheless, as I was driving back to my hotel in Colorado Springs, I had to pull over on the side of the road to stop and look at a breath-taking view of the sun going down just behind a small range of mountains. It was so nice I actually pulled over three times. Don’t worry, the road was so desolate, I could have stopped the car in the middle of the highway and still have no concerns with any traffic. Anyway, after I stopped the third time, I questioned myself as to why I continued to stop just to look at this scene…and that is when the words came out of my mouth…”There’s Nothing Perfect About It”. When I said these words, it completely threw me off because I knew at that point God was telling me something. There I was amazed at this sunset in the middle of nowhere that God had put together with different colors in the sky, all types of clouds streaming in all directions, trail traces of aircraft flying in the sky, and an uneven, jagged edged mountain range sitting off in the distance. Even though I said to myself “there’s nothing perfect about it”, it was beautiful…a beautiful creation by God.

Then He laid it on me. This is the same type of situation we have with a marriage. Like the errant clouds, the husband may think one way and the wife another way. Like the mountain range, everything won’t always be smooth within the marriage…it will have it’s ups and downs…mistakes will be made...your spouse may do something that to don't agree with. Throughout all of this, which clearly shows that marriage may not be perfect, it is still a beautiful creation by God and to God.

We as couples need to realize the beauty of our marriages despite the imperfections that may be included. It is these imperfections that God uses to create a masterpiece of work we call marriage. Just think about it, if you were to paint a picture with every line, shape, and color perfect, I honestly think the picture would be dull and uninteresting. Me being an artist, I know how little mistakes or mess-ups in pieces of art add character and make the artwork even more alluring to look at. That’s the beauty of marriage; while it may not be perfect, it is still beautiful.

As you go about your daily/weekly routine, take some quality time to look at your marriage. Look at all the different aspects of your marriage and your spouse. Look at the ups and downs that you have encountered over the years, and look at how you made it through those rough times. If you are going through tough times right now, have faith that you will make it out of this rough period in due time. All of these instances are the different parts of your marriage that have and will come to produce a beautiful masterpiece.

As always, please feel free to add any comments/insights that you may have.

Be blessed and talk to you later.

Letting Go of "Anger"

We are married. We won’t always agree. We are going to get angry at each other. How long are you going to be angry at me?

This is something that I always try to avoid if at all possible…anger within my household. Unfortunately, it is unavoidable. If someone has developed a solution on avoiding this, please share it with us. Being that husband and wife are almost guaranteed to get mad at each other, what must we do to ensure this anger does not last? I know the Bible says not to let the day end with anger on your heart (my interpretation of Ephesians 4:26), but is it not hard to let go when the person you are angry with is lying next to you? Honestly, I tend not to let my anger go into the next day. How? I normally pray, and pray hard, shortly after the anger has truly set in. Normally it may take a couple of hours for me to realize I need to pray about the situation. I normally realize this when I can’t concentrate on anything else I am suppose to be doing…especially when I am at work. By the time I lay my head down, I am good and I can wake up the next morning ready to give my wife a loving, honest kiss and move on with my day. I know I have only been married 3 years, but I hope this practice that I have will not change over the years to come.

There are some other motivations that help me let go of anger. I tend to ask myself, what if I don’t wake up the next morning? Would I want to leave my wife on a bad note? Or what if on my way to work, I am in an accident and God decides it’s my time to join Him…or I am injured where I can’t speak anymore? These are all possible things that very well could happen because we are not promised the next day. Then I think about what it is I am angry about and is it even worth the effort of being angry…especially for a long period of time. Now for some people anger may just be something that is a part of their life…as though they enjoy being angry. For those people, I don’t know what to say…I'll pray for you :)

I tend to think that time will keep ticking and time will be wasted with my spouse if we continue to stay angry at each other for days at a time. I know I am talking days of anger, but there may be couples out there working on months of anger with each other. I would say that you need to communicate with each other to determine what the heck the problem is that led to this long term anger. You want to determine this cause before anger becomes the cause of something else in your marriage to go astray (my interpretation of Ephesians 4:27). Once you determine the cause, learn from it…learn how to avoid or prevent the situation in the future so that the anger will not creep back into your marriage.

I know I am not getting deep into this subject...just want to scratch the surface. I hope this will cause some to start thinking about the small things as well as the big things that have caused anger to creep into your marriage. For those small things, don't let stubbornness keep you angry for no reason. Let it go and move on. For the big things, take the time to figure it out. Bring in another couple that you trust to serve as a mediator...someone you both can vent to and they won't be bias one way or another. Talking it out may be just the medicine needed to get past the situation.


Be blessed and talk to you later.