I don't even know where to start. The subject of communication covers so many different areas. To keep things as simple as possible, I thought it would be best to separate this topic into two areas...what I would call conventional and nonconventional communication. I want to talk about the conventional form of communication for now which will include verbal and nonverbal communication. The nonconventional communication can be discussed at a later time which may have to be broken down even further into what is called "Love Languages".
Now let me apologize up front for anything I may say that may rub someone the wrong way. I am a man, and it is already stated that men don't communicate well in marriages. My wife lets me know too often that I fall into this category. Nonetheless, I can honestly say that I am working consistently to improve myself in this area.
The Webster’s Dictionary definition of communication is…"the exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing". This seems as though it is the simplest thing to do. If so, then how do we get it so wrong? All we have to do is tell our spouse what we need and want to tell them, right? Let’s look at this beginning point…”tell our spouse what we need and want to tell them”. I think this is the first roadblock to poor communication. We don’t tell our spouse what it is that we need and want to tell them for one reason or another. That thought or discussion may be on your mind, but then you forget or think it isn’t important or you just might not want to tell your spouse what is on your mind. Whatever the reason is, it needs to be corrected. If you don’t get past this step, then you will more than likely have a communication problem in your marriage. We all need to make it a practice to say what is on our mind to our spouses.
The next key section I see in the definition is “the exchange”. “Exchange” means to give or receive from another. Therefore it is a two way process…one must give and the other must receive. Just because you say something to your spouse doesn’t necessarily mean they received it. I must confess that this is one of the areas I must improve on (and I am working on it)…receiving everything my wife tells me. Honestly, I just forget some of the things she tells me. A great solution that we came up with is a large monthly calendar that sits on the side of our refrigerator. This is where we put key daily items for the month. This tool has greatly helped a specific area of our communication. I am sure there are many other innovative tools out there that couples use. If you have a unique communication tool that you use with your spouse, please share it with us. Just remember that the goal is to give and receive information between you and your spouse.
Now the next thing I am about to discuss can be a killer when it comes to communication or it can enhance your overall marriage life. That is the “nonverbal”. I consider “body language, the look on your face, and the tone of your voice” the main driving forces behind nonverbal communication. These items can say a lot more to your spouse than words can when communicating. If you look directly in your spouse’s eyes when giving or receiving information from them, then you are showing genuine interest in the conversation. On the other hand, if you are looking at your spouse with a snarl or not looking at all when trying to communicate, you could be relaying harsh nonverbal words to your spouse. Nonverbally, you could be saying “you better not come near me” or “what on earth are you talking about” or “does it look like I am interested in what you are saying”. Just remember that your nonverbal actions can play a much larger role in communicating with your spouse than any words you can say. The old saying is ”actions speak louder than words”…don’t forget that.
Lastly, you have to make time to communicate with your spouse. In today's society, we get bogged down in work, chores, T.V., and any other distractions that are present in the homes. If these areas are not addressed, then they will consume your time and will not give you the total time you need to communicate with your spouse. You and your spouse must make communication time a priority each day. It doesn't have to be 2 or 3 hours...it could be an uninterrupted 30 minutes. While it may not seem like a lot of time, 30 minutes could be more than enough quality time to ensure you and your spouse are exchanging information, messages, and ideas to one another.
I will leave you with this. Your spouse should be your best friend. If that is the case, don't you want to tell your best friend everything that is on your mind and also hear everything that is on your spouse's mind. Make sure you have both the verbal and nonverbal communication channels open to give and receive with your spouse. It will make things go a lot smoother in life.
Let me know your thoughts.
Be blessed and talk to you soon.
2 comments:
My husband and I have been married for eight years. During our marriage, we have experienced "communication difficulties". At times, it just hard to get information from him. It can be hard to gauge what exactly is on his mind. He is quiet by nature and I think some of it stems from his upbringing. Plus, men and women are different in many ways and this is just one of them.
I usually have to initiate serious conversations with a series of questions in order to get his opinion. I have expressed my concern to him regarding our lack of communication and I can tell that he is listening because it is getting better.
I like the idea of using a calendar. Often times, I do forget things that I want to discuss with him...he probably does the same thing. This way we can have uninterrupted time to talk. I think this would probably help us get more things accomplished as well.
"Me", thanks for the feedback. I think you hit it right on the head...men and women are different when it comes to communication. I don't think we will ever be the same. However, we can find a point in the middle in which we can meet. And that is the challenge with married couples...finding that point in the middle to meet on communicating. Finding this middle point to meet goes for more than communicating also...it goes for financing, household duties, quality time, and even intimacy. Once again, thanks for the comment.
C Wells
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