Overcoming "INFIDELITY"

This is a topic that I pray I never have to deal with. Unfortunately, there are many couples that have dealt with this, are dealing with this, and will deal with this in the future. I think this may be one of the top items on every couples’ list that would prompt them to start thinking/talking “I’M LEAVING!”. I know it would be on my mind if it occurred in my marriage. The question is, what steps can couples take to make it through this?

The following comments are my personal opinion. Being that I am not an expert on this, if you are in a situation involving infidelity, I would strongly recommend seeking marriage counseling with a marriage counselor (doctor, specialist, pastor, spiritual advisor, etc.) in your city or town that you live.

I am sure when infidelity occurs, there is major damage with “trust” in the relationship. While it may appear that this trust is gone and will never come back, I am a believer that this trust can be restored. How long this will take is dependent on the couple and the willingness/determination to make the marriage last. And I must say the couple’s faith in God will also determine how things go with the restoration.

Though painful, I feel it would be beneficial to understand why the infidelity occurred. With this, husband and wife must be brutally honest with each other…completely transparent with all feelings and thoughts. If this transparency does not occur, then true healing will not take place…the band-aid will be on, but the wound will still be open underneath. You need to come to an understanding of what feelings or activities caused this to happen; and then determine what steps need to be taken to ensure those feelings/activities never enter into your marriage again. In this understanding, you may uncover wounds/damage from the past…from previous relationships or even back to childhood or teenage years. It is very important to understand this.

Now for the person that committed the infidelity, if you want to save your marriage, I feel you must first “repent”…apologize to God for your actions and ask for His forgiveness. Your marriage is a covenant with God, and stepping outside of that covenant is basically cheating on God. Additionally, ask for the strength to forgive yourself. If you don’t forgive yourself, then you cannot expect anyone else to forgive you. It will be more bearable to move forward once you have forgiven yourself. Secondly, apologize to your spouse and ask for her forgiveness. I am almost sure you will have to do this more than once…and do not expect your spouse to forgive you immediately. Next, be prepared to tell your spouse everything that is asked of you. You have to build your spouse’s trust back up and being truthful is the only path you should take. Also, be open to counseling to help you with any negative issues taking place in your life that may be affecting your marriage. Please, please, please don’t let “pride” get in the way of this restoration process. Let your spouse be your help-mate in dealing with any issues going on in your life that may have led to the infidelity. This will assist in regaining your spouse’s trust and will help heal your marriage. With prayer, patience, and true humbleness, allow God to work.

For the person that was on the other end of the infidelity, go to God and ask for the strength to “forgive” and “trust again”. You must have forgiveness deep down in your heart. You may not know how to reach that forgiveness in your heart and that is where God comes in. Only He can help you to forgive your spouse and help you restore trust with your spouse. I know this won’t be easy…it may be one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do in your marriage. As I stated above to the other spouse, please don’t let “pride” get in the way. Yes you are the victim, but pride will hinder true healing and will lead you in the wrong direction. Be sure to let your spouse know your feelings and get them all out. Ask all questions to your spouse you have concerning the reasons which led to the infidelity. It is important that you know everything so that nothing is left uncovered. As stated above, I feel that counseling is a must…you need help to get through this. With prayer, patience, and true forgiveness in your heart, allow God to work.

I know this is and will be a lot harder than any words that can be stated on paper or online. If there is anyone that has gone through infidelity in your marriage and you and your spouse have overcome the event, please provide any insight on how you made it through. This is a big issue that occurs in many marriages and we need to know how to prevent it from leading to a destroyed marriage.

Be blessed and talk to you later.