The Love Languages - Part Two (1 Mar 2008)

I want to continue my discussion of the five love languages. If you have not read the previous post which talks about the first two love languages, please do so to get an understanding of the need for knowing your spouse's love language as well as your own love language. Additionally, let me remind you that these 5 love languages are outlined in greater detail in the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The remaining three love languages being covered are in bold:



1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch



Receiving Gifts

This is the love language that most men would think that their wives fall into. While that may be true for a lot of couples, that is not the case for all. I can honestly say that this is not my wife's primary love language; and I am very thankful because she has very expensive tastes. It is easy to think that this love language requires buying items for your spouse and that's it. It is more than that. If this is your spouse's love language, any present or gift given by you will be received as love. The gift is a physical or visual representation of love. Spending money is not a requirement...you can create your own gifts to give to your spouse. Now this requires thought on your part to determine what you can create or purchase (let's say under $20) that your spouse would truly appreciate. When my wife and I first started dating, she surprised me by sending flowers to my job...and this was withing the first 2 weeks of us dating. I was truly surprised and impressed. I wanted to do or give something to her to show my appreciation. I could have easily gone out and spent money on a gift, but instead, I took one of the flowers that was given to me and created a drawing of that flower, framed it, and presented it to her as a gift of appreciation. She loved it. Creativity plays a big role when fulfilling your spouse's need with this love language. Here is something else that can be done that does not require spending alot of money...go and buy 2 or 3 packs of your spouse's favorite snack or dessert and present it in a small gift bag along with a hand-written note expressing your love and appreciation. That should do it! Matter of fact, I need to do that one soon for my wife :) I hope you get the point I am trying to make with this love language. Now please understand that if this is not your spouse's love language, the gifts will be appreciated, but they will not fill the love bucket of your spouse. That can only be done by expressing the true love language of your spouse.

Acts of Service

To me, this is an interesting love language...especially within marriages. To put it as plainly as possible and as Janet Jackson sang years ago...."what have you done for me lately?". Let me run some things off to you: cooking, making the bed, washing dishes, washing clothes, washing the vehicles, vacuuming, mopping, folding clothes, cutting the grass, putting gas in the vehicles, grocery shopping, bathing the kids (infants and toddlers), putting kids to bed,....shall I go on...I hope you get the point. It's not hard to know what to do to fill your spouse's need if this is their primary love language. Now that you know it, you have to do it. 9 times out of 10, if this is your spouse's primary love language, he or she wants you to take care of things around the house. I know this to be the case from first hand experience...and I am being told that I am still not doing enough :) This love language may require the breaking down of stereotypes, especially when it comes to what the man should do and what the woman should do. Some husbands may feel that it is the wife's responsibility to take care of the household and that it is his responsibility to bring home the bacon and pay the bills. Outside of this mentality being that of a 1930-40-50's family...which is not the case today, this mentality must be thrown out if this is your spouse's love language (specifically if this is the wife's love language). If this is the husband's love language, the couple must be careful not to make the wife feel like a maid and unappreciated. Like I said up front, I find this to be a very interesting love language. For this love language, a good practice you can do each day is ask yourself "What can I do for my spouse today to make them feel good?". If you take action on this question, you will be well on your way to giving your spouse all the love that is needed.

Physical Touch

To fulfill this love language, some type of body contact must take place. There is no alternative method around it. To put this in some type of perspective, think of how much joy and warmth you felt as a child when your mom or dad gave you a hug. Did that not make you feel great?...did that not make you feel loved? Well for those of you out there that get this same feeling when your spouse touches you (whether a hug, a kiss, a rub, or sexual intercourse), "physical touch" very well may be your primary love language. If this is something that your spouse consistently does or wants from you, then you should realize the importance of physical touch within your spouse. It is then important to know where, how, and when to provide the physical touches required by your spouse. No two people are alike and each person has special points on their body that burst in emotion when touched by his or her spouse. You need to invest the time to find out these pleasure locations on your spouse. It could be the caressing of the ear, or the rubbing of the calf, or the kissing of the belly...I will stop there because you should get the picture by now. If you are not a touchy feely person and your spouse is, then you must make adjustments in your lifestyle to ensure your spouse is loved. The fact that you don't like being physically touch will not change your spouse's need to be physically touch. You need to make the necessary adjustments in you life to become accustom to physically touching your spouse. Doing this will eliminate future potential marital issues.

All of these love languages require special attention and must be worked on to master. Taking the time to learn and know your spouse's love language is one of the most valuable investments you can put into your marriage. It will ensure that your spouse's love bucket is always filled. If you don't learn your spouse's love language and no actions are taken, then you open the door to all types of potentially negative and sinful situations...

If your spouse is not feeling the love from you in the love language that is needed, then where are they going to get it from? Do what you have to do to make sure that question is never asked.

I will end this with the last paragraph from Part One of this topic:

When you are looking at these love languages, you must determine what your love language is and what your spouse's love language is. I think it is natural for us to attempt to love our spouse in our own love language. This is a big mistake if your spouse does not share the same love language as you. All you are doing is loving your spouse the way that you want to be loved. While you may think you are showing your spouse all the love you have, he or she will not receive what they are looking for because it's in the wrong love language.

Let me know your thoughts.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.

The Love Languages - Part One (10 Feb 2008)

I want to take time to share something with you that I have found to be very beneficial in my marriage. It is a piece of knowledge about your spouse and yourself that has to be learned. The knowledge that I am referring to is our "love language". This is the language that when expressed/communicated to you, you feel loved and appreciated...you feel the love of your spouse. If your love language is not expressed/communicated to you properly, then you may feel some emptiness because that emotional need is not being fulfilled. And it goes the other way also, if you don't express/communicate love to your spouse the way he or she needs to receive it, then your spouse may not be fulfilled. It is your responsibility as a spouse to know how the other half needs to be loved. Once you know that, then you have to take the steps of showing your spouse LOVE in the language that they understand.

Let's briefly discuss 2 of the 5 love languages that are outlined in the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

This is the verbal or written praise/appreciation given to you or your spouse. Do you love to hear your spouse say "I love you" or "you look beautiful or handsome"? Or maybe you like to see short love notes expressing feelings of appreciation and love. If you are miserable when you don't receive statements or compliments such as these, then "Words of Affirmation" may be your love language. When it comes to "words of affirmation", it doesn't have to be all about "I Love U's" and "U Look So Good To Me's". Words of affirmation can be as simple as saying to your spouse, "Baby, thank you for cleaning the kitchen tonite" or "Baby, you really put your foot in that Macarroni & Cheese". This love language is simply telling or writing to let your spouse know how you appreciate them or an activity that they have done. I see it as one of the easiest things we can do in our marriage...give your spouse a compliment. Even though it is that simple, many of us may not even do that. If we do, we may not do it enough. Words of affirmation help to build your spouse up. I can honestly say that I do enjoy when my wife tells me that she appreciates me as a husband and a father. To hear that coming from my wife helps to put the icing on the cake when I wonder how I am doing as a father and a husband. My wife's words help affirm that I am ok in those categories. Nonetheless, this is not my primary love language. I score this as my #2 love language.

Quality Time

I may not need to say much on this because the name says it all..."quality time". How much time does your spouse need with you or how much time do you need from your spouse? This means more than just sitting in a room with your spouse watching T.V. This love language requires 100% focus on your spouse or on you. A person with this love language as priority #1 may only need 30 complete minutes a day or even less to fulfill their need. Then again, 1 or 2 hours may be needed to fulfill the love need. Something as little as an intimate conversation could be just the right thing to show love. While intimate conversation is extremely important when spending quality time with your spouse, there are other things that can be done to fulfill the quality time need. One such thing is doing an activity with your spouse that he or she loves. If your spouse loves bowling, then that would be a great quality activity the two of you could do that would provide quality time to your marriage. It will show your spouse that you love and care about the things they enjoy and that you are willing to invest the time to enjoy the activity with them. The activity may be something that you both enjoy which will make it all the better. If this is your spouse's love language, then you must make time in your busy schedule to spend the time with your spouse. Nothing else will fulfill the need that your spouse has.

When you are looking at these love languages, you must determine what your love language is and what your spouse's love language is. I think it is natural for us to attempt to love our spouse in our own love language. This is a big mistake if your spouse does not share the same love language as you. All you are doing is loving your spouse the way that you want to be loved. While you may think you are showing your spouse all the love you have, he or she will not receive what they are looking for because it's in the wrong love language. I hope I am making sense to you on this subject.

In my next posting, I will continue this discussion by covering the remaining 3 love languages...receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. FYI...if your spouse's love language is receiving gifts, please remember to get them a gift for Valentine's Day this week.

Let me know your thoughts on the two love languages discussed in this posting.

Be blessed and talk to you soon.